Okay:
I cannot handle this anymore...
My head is going to explode if I see another God-forsaken Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier t-shirt. You may be asking yourselves what on Earth I'm talking about. "Ed Hardy? Who the hell is that?"
You have all seen these shirts. I know you have. They are infiltrating our populace at a rapid rate and it's despicable to watch. I have multiple qualms with Christian Audigier and I have decided to list them in bullet form as to not lose your attention:
- Christian Audigier: Who the hell are you? Upon further research I discovered that he was head designer for Von Dutch for a number of years. Yes. That's correct. Those fucking trucker hats that everyone HAD to have because Ashton Kutcher wore them, and he was sooo cool! Seriously though Mr. Audigier... Are you punking me right now? Your clothes SUCK.
- The Price: Upon continued research I found these shitty tees ranging in price from anywhere in the neighborhood of $62 - $154. This is simply ridiculous. I can get a Vineyard Vines button-down dress shirt for $96 and that will be in style for years to come and will be great to wear out to the bars or to work. Anyone that would spend more than $30 on a t-shirt has a learning disability.
- The Demographic: The proclivity to which Guido's and Rednecks seem to be attracted to these heinous T-Shirts is like cattle caught in a tractor beam. What is WRONG with you people!?
- Guido's: I know you love pretending to be every cool celebrity on TV and mimicking their sartorial choices, but do you ever regret your choices? I mean I know you think you're the shit with your enormous Prada sunglasses, your ridiculously overpriced Ed Hardy T-shirt, Diesel Jeans, and your Robert Wayne pointy-toed "weathered" loafers you bought from Buckle last week. Unfortunately, in 2 years when you look back on the pictures from the Jersey Shore you'll take this summer you'll realize that you're a fool. So please take your "Fuckin' Jager-Bomb" and spiked hair, and get the hell out of my way. I'm trying to order a beer over here.
- Rednecks: Is it really necessary for you to look more retarded than you already do without wearing a shirt that you saved weeks for? I understand you read in People that Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier is the shit, but only if you live in L.A. and even then, it's a bit of a stretch. Now look, if your hero happens to be K-Fed, then by all means, go blow all the money you earned at Cracker Barrel waiting tables on Meth and Ed Hardy t-shirts so you can look "cool" when you go to the club. Contrary to your Guido peer, you will be donning the $62 version of the Ed Hardy tee, rocking your shredded Abercrombie & Fitch jeans from 1999, an upside down/backward visor, and your dad's cowboy boots. All whilst chain smoking and holding a Red Bull/Vodka (you're a little behind... We've moved on to Jager-Bombs... Apparently). Come see me at Innisfree sometime, the bouncers there will politely ask you to excuse yourself from the venue for looking like an ass.
-- No Tom Arnold... I will NOT buy now. Go marry another ugly fat woman.
- Black People: This is worse than that Bathing Ape fad from a couple of years ago. 'Nough said.
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- For the Love of the Children: Good God parents! Why are you putting your 8 year-old daughter in a shirt that looks like the brain child of Paula Abdul and Brittany Spears on an dime bag? I'm calling Social Services.
I hope this fad ends soon, because if not I'm going to turn into a homicidal maniac and just start tearing across New Jersey in search of Ed's following.
Also, if you are reading this, wearing Ed Hardy, and claim to be my friend, please excuse yourself from my Facebook friends list. Thanks.
Still to come? Tales from Nashville... Whenever I get around to writing that story...
* Nota Bene: This was not a booze-fueled rant. Stone cold sober over here. Just hate this line of clothes that much.
*** Just because Saks carries it does NOT make it cool.
