--- WARNING ---
IF YOU ARE EASILY NAUSEATED
- OR -
HAVE A SENSITIVE STOMACH
DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY
That having been said... The unfortunate part of this story is that hardly any details are negligible so you have to read the whole thing. I'll start from the beginning: I had to wake up this morning at 7:30 AM for my CS340 exam, and upon returning home I felt pretty exhausted.
I called The Cousin to get coffee because I figured some caffeine couldn't hurt my cause. Losing consciousness and falling face first on my desk during my Marketing exam that evening wouldn't be very conducive to my grade. We decided to meet at noon at Strip Teas & Coffee (Not a code name...). As I was leaving my apartment The Cousin calls me and asks if I have jumper cables, I do. His car is not starting, but fortunately it's sitting in the parking lot that's only half a block from the coffee shop.
I pull into the parking lot to see him rifling around under his hood. I pull up as close as I can because my jumper cables are shitty and short. We try to jump off his car to no avail and decide that AAA is much better equipped to handle this kind of thing than two twenty-somethings from Mountain Brook. The AAA people inform us that we're going to be waiting a while, which is no big, because we can just burn the interim at the coffee shop. The Cousin is slightly pissed at the situation (okay, really pissed) and I told him my story about the Lexus debacle last week and he agrees in my suspicion that our family must, in fact, be cursed. I blame our grandfather, The Cousin agrees. He probably cussed out a VooDoo Priestess in New Orleans some time in the '40s or something.
So in my infinite and Adderall-addled wisdom, I decide that tea is better idea than coffee. I order an Herbal Green Mint Tea, and The Cousin gets some sort of tea, too. We hang out talking about how dysfunctional the family is, and how much school administrations suck for about 45 minutes. I drank about three quarters of my tea, and decide I'm done with it. We walk back to the parking lot to meet the AAA guy. I'm alert, absorbing some sun, rocking my white linen shorts, and having a pretty good day. Griffin's condition: Good.
The AAA guy takes another 15 minutes to find his way to the parking lot, jumps off The Cousin's car, informs us that his battery is about as functional as Barbara Walter's baby-maker (my words, not his), and suggests we go to Advanced Auto Parts. I decide to follow The Cousin on the three mile trek to make sure that if his car dies, he's not stranded.
Griffin's condition: Good.
The Cousin starts to take a strange way to the auto parts place, but no matter, it takes forever to get anywhere in Tuscaloosa, and plus, this is guilt-free procrastination.
Corner of 12th and 12th: I start to feel my stomach knot for some reason. I stupidly assume it has to do with my nerves over the two exams and the fact that my time window to study for exam number two is beginning to dissipate. Griffin's condition: Fair.
Corner of 12th and Hackberry: I start to get a little burpy for some reason, still don't question it, race over train tracks so I don't get caught waiting on a freight train. In classic Ragsdale style, I have too many other things to focus on than my own health. Griffin's Condition: Fair, but deteriorating.
Cruising down 15th Street toward MacFarland: My condition starts to deteriorate rapidly. I feel like I took two horse steroids, a Klonopin, and a doxycycline, all on an empty stomach, simultaneously. I am severely nauseous, light-headed, breathing rapidly, and sweating. It's a good look. I am now on the phone with The Girlfriend on an unrelated matter. At this point she has no idea I feel the slightest bit ill. Griffin's Condition: Serious.
Turning Right onto MacFarland: The burping has increased, my head feels like it's going to explode. I begin to fear the loss of motor-skills, which would still make me a better driver than most TCRs. Griffin's Condition: Critical.
Crossing Midtown Village Blvd: I'm still on the phone with The Girlfriend, I have no idea
what she was talking about, her words sound like German to me, I can't focus, and all I can do is think to myself, "This must be what it's like to have Ebola..."
When, all at once, it hits me, HARD. I'm gunna vomit, and not, "Oh! I burped up a little chunk of carrot!" vomit. I mean full blown, projectile, 800 PSI, cartoon character - eyes bulging out of your head, yelling - vomit. Griffin's Condition: Extremely Critical.
Stomach convulsion one: swallow,
Stomach convulsion two: swallow,
Stomach Convulsion three: swa-BLEERRRUUUGGGHHHH...
The Girlfriend: "Umm..."
Me: "Oh. My. God. Oh my God! I just puked all over myself!"
TG: "You what!? Oh my God! Are you okay?"
Me: "Oh my God, it's everywhere, Oh my God, I... I didn't... I wasn't even... What the fuck!?"
TG: "Baby?"
Me: "Ugh.. Oh my God... Will you... Will you just... Can you please just meet me at my place? I need your help... I don't even know what to do... I... I gotta go..." click.
I remember that I'm supposed to be following The Cousin to the auto parts place so, while still recovering emotionally from the embarrassment of having wretched on myself I call him.
The Cousin: "Hey Bud, why'd you turn off at Chick-Fil-A..."
Me: "I... I just puked on myself?"
TC : "What?"
Me: "I think I drank my tea too fast or something... Or I have Swine Flu... I don't know... I'll be sure to let you know if it's the latter." click.
I look down and notice that my white linen shorts are now a lovely color of Goldenrod... With... What the Hell... What is on my shorts? Is that? Is that mucus!? GOD ALMIGHTY! This is completely disgusting!
Griffin's Physical Condition: Fair
Griffin's Emotional Condition: Extremely Critical
I get back to the Mont, race upstairs, strip in the Laundry Room, grab some clean boxers and the Macbook, take refuge in the bathroom in front of the toilet (in anticipation of a second wave), and immediately start researching the symptoms of Swine Flu. They don't seem to match, but those Hispanic guys that came into the office and applied to be grounds keepers were looking pretty rough... I have been avoiding all Hispanics like the Bubonic Plague since. The Girlfriend arrives, we reach the conclusion that I do not have Swine Flu, and that I am also a racist ass.
While I am cleaning my own bile and olfactory discharge off of myself in the shower, The Girlfriend is a Saint and makes us some soup. I am not hungry though. She tells me I have to eat it so we can see if I'm going to vomit again. I eat it and feel fine, just a little twitchy, but in retrospect I think that was the Adderall.
The Girlfriend leaves to go study for some Grad class that I can't possibly comprehend, and I am left to study for Marketing. I am now an hour and a half off schedule, and beginning to panic. So instead of studying I call the HuffyHouseWife and begin to recollect my story. I get to the part about feeling nauseous from the tea when she interrupts with, "Ooooh... That sucks... You have that too?"
Me: "Have what? What are you talking about?"
HHF: "You said you drank tea and started feeling sick as a dog right?"
Me: "Yes..."
HHF: "It made you feel like you had taken heavy duty meds on an empty stomach?"
Me: "YES! How did you know!?"
HHF: "Happens to me too... And your Aunt... I'm pretty sure we're allergic to the tannins or something. I don't know - I just don't drink tea anymore. You really shouldn't drink tea."
Me: "What the Hell!? Why am I just now finding out about this genetic anomaly?"
HHF: "... I don't know... I thought you knew. How was I supposed to know you had it?"
So in reference to the first line of this entry: I am apparently allergic to the tannins in some teas. My body rejects that shit faster than Paramount rejects a new Mariah Carey movie. So you say to yourself: "Griffin, what are tannins?"
Well students, I did my research and turns out, tannins are the chemicals that give tea its color. Not suprisingly, they are the reason your mouth is dry after consuming tea. When this happens it is time to stop drinking tea, because you are starting to experience toxic effects (Neat! That's only happened to me, oh 7890 times. Perfect. I'm gunna die of tannin induced mouth cancer). Tannins also block the absorption of some minerals, like iron (Watch out ladies). Symptoms of extreme tannin toxicity are ataxia and shortness of breath. Please refer to the section above regarding me at the intersection of 15th Street and MacFarland.
In summary, I no longer drink tea, my white linen shorts are asking for a therapist, and I don't have the Swine Flu.
